Interview #8
Dan Quinlaven
Anthillz: �make my nipples hard?
Matt Roan: You know what, want to hear a funny story, this is one of the funniest�
A: This is an interview with Dan, let�s just�
MR: Oh fine.
A: No, I mean you can tell your story but�
MR: Nope.
Eric Himes: Well what�s your funny story?
MR: Well it�s not a funny story it�s really just sad, I once bought a record, namely the New Radicals, because Dave Holmes of Mtv said it was the best pop record of the year.
Dan Quinlaven: Dude, Dave Holmes?
A: Dave Holmes didn�t know what he was talking about, Pinfield knew what he was talking about.
MR: Pinfield knew what he was saying, Dave Holmes was just the poor man�s Matt Pinfield. I�m like New Radicals, that sounds radical. Might as well get it.
DQ: He took Jessie�s job.
MR: Jessie Camp? Cause Jessie Camp was way too fucked up for that.
DQ: Cause Jessie Camp won. Like I don�t know if you remember Jessie Camp won, but then Dave Holmes just ended up working there.
EH: No, but he was a liar. He didn�t do anything he said he was. He said he was homeless and he wasn�t and�
MR: Wait, what was the name of his band?
DQ: Whatever, The Fifth Street Boys.
MR: The Fifth Street Boyzzz with a Z?
EH: I heard the album is really good.
MR: I heard it was really good too.
EH: But Dave Holmes told me that. I�m serious.
MR: Dave Holmes was like this is the sweetest pop record of 1994.
EH: No he was like I wanted to hate it out of everyone, but it was really good. I don�t know.
A: They had a feud?
EH: Of course, he got his job.
DQ: He took his job.
EH: A 14 year old girl stole his job.
MR: But that dude�
A: It was the people�s choice.
MR: He was on Mtv for a long time after that.
DQ: Dave Holmes?
MR: Yeah, doin karaoke and shit
A: I think he still is.
DQ: I think everyone just tries to take the next step. Like Serena, who�s now on CNN.
EH: Oh, Serena.
MR: Such a cute girl.
DQ: I like Suchin.
MR: Oh, I�m in love with her.
A: Serena takes the cake.
EH: It�s Serena man.
MR: I don�t know man, I think it�s a pretty close call. That�s kind of my scene.
A: Suchin Pack?
EH: Weird looking girls?
MR: Wait what?
EH: Oh nothing.
A: What did you say it was for me to interview myself?
EH: Narcissistic.
A: Narcissistic?
DQ: You�re very critical of yourself.
A: Exactly.
EH: No, no, he loves himself. An interview with himself on his own website. I don�t know man.
DQ: Well as opposed to just a journal entry? It�s just like, what�s the difference?
A: It�s more interesting.
MR: But you argued with yourself.
EH: Yeah.
DQ: He just showed the thought process though. You know? Like a journal entry is just like, you know�
EH: Here�s the deal�
A: You have the biggest head of anyone I know.
EH: No, no, no, here�s the deal�
A: No?
EH: Mike starts out�well physically maybe�Mike starts out with this website and then all of a sudden becomes M. Knight Shaylman, and starts quoting himself all over the place. I�ll interview myself, I�ve figured out how to make the perfect movie.
A: The perfect post.
MR: The perfect post. They said it couldn�t be done.
A: You�re just mad because I took your tape recorder.
EH: You took it and you ruined it.
MR: Squandered it.
DQ: I make the trksurruple like McCartney once interviewed himself. I�m gonna say it�s OK then.
MR: If McCartney did it you know it�s cool.
EH: Linda McCartney?
DQ: What?
MR: Linda.
EH: That dumb old broad.
MR: Hey. Bless her heart.
EH: Rest in peace.
DQ: Yeah seriously, hey who�s bass is it that I play?
MR: That�s the garbage picked bass.
DQ: Like, is it mine? Can I�
MR: No, it�s Eds�
EH: No, he hasn�t paid for it.
MR: I never paid for it.
DQ: Can I buy it?
MR: Yeah.
EH: Yeah, will you please and shut him up, cause he�s been asking for it for months and months and he really is hurt about it.
DQ: Who�s Ed?
MR: Ed, our roommate Ed with blonde hair.
DQ: Oh who wears�
A: He needs money to buy keys.
DQ: �Breakaway pants? How much does he want for it?
MR: To buy keys.
EH: A respectable amount.
MR: Like 50 to 100.
DQ: Oh yeah. Cause I wanna put a McCartney picture on it.
MR: OK.
DQ: Like prominently.
EH: Like airbrushed?
A: Screenprint, screenprint.
DQ: Just a prominent picture.
MR: Oh dude you know what we need to do is go to the thrift store and get some sweet gear, we�ll have like, proper Written in the Sand t-shirts. We gotta get some sweet gear to silkscreen for Chris and sell ridiculous shit.
DQ: Sorry you don�t want us to talk about band business on the interview.
A: No, not really. Well, if you want. How�s the band going Dan?
MR: No that�s not it. We�re talking about instruments and that came up, that stuff comes up.
DQ: Sorry. I really just wanted to talk about McCartney. That�s mostly what I want to talk about.
MR: In life.
DQ: Yeah. Like a lot of mine time, like a lot, is thought of when I�m walking and stuff, and on the train, a good 40%, McCartney has something to do with it. Is that weird?
MR: McCartney factors in.
DQ: Yeah, 2 out of every 5 seconds, is McCartney or McCartney�s just like peoooooow, something about me is just�
A: He�s like sex for you.
DQ: Yeah.
A: Guys and sex, and you and McCartney.
DQ: I might think�No, I�m not, no probably not.
MR: What?
EH: You think about McCartney during sex?
DQ: I should.
A: It would help things?
DQ: Yeah. It�s like in Singles where the guy is having sex and he just thinks about Xavier McDaniels, and Xavier McDaniels is just like, Greg, don�t come yet. That�s the funniest thing in the movie.
MR: Xavier McDaniels.
DQ: Yeah dude, the X-Man?
MR: I know, I totally have his fucking old basketball cards.
DQ: Great cameo, that�s like, I�m pretty sure that�s his only movie appearance and that�s a great legacy.
MR: That is a good one to leave behind.
DQ: I got some McCartney filming.
MR: What�s up with Seattle and being into basketball players? All that Pearl Jam stuff? All of that is weird.
DQ: Well like I said, when I make my coming of age movie, it�s all about the early 90 Bulls and it�s also going to be about the cicadas.
MR: Dude, I was totally on the news when the cicadas came into town.
DQ: Wouldn�t that be a great setting for my coming of age film? I think�
EH: Yeah. I�m going to steal that.
DQ: Cause the next year, the Bulls won their first one.
MR: Hey, you know what, for real, no, hey�
EH: He said I could.
MR: He�s done, you�re done, Dan needs to put some copyright shit on this conversation. That�s intellectual copyright. That is golden.
EH: He also said that I could use it.
A: You can use it in fiction work that won�t be turned into a movie. It�s his movie and your book.
EH: Maybe like, you inspire me and then I inspire you. It�s helping.
DQ: Yeah.
MR: Oh man, that�s a great setting.
DQ: Like Pet Sounds and uh�
MR: Do you remember how the grass was just moving there were so many of them?
EH: I hated those things.
MR: It was so creepy.
DQ: It would start with just the beginning just the sound.
EH: The sound.
DQ: And then one falling and then walking.
EH: Yes, they won�t die.
DQ: It wasn�t like all of a sudden like pshhhhh, at first there were just a few, the beginning would just be like my street�
EH: I like your vision.
DQ: And then a cicada falling and it walking and me being like hmm?
EH: What?
MR: I don�t know about that part.
DQ: That would be the first part. Then I would go play basketball.
EH: With�OK.
DQ: We had a mini-hoop and I could dunk on that.
EH: A Jordan Jammer?
DQ: No, no it was a full court but it was like, a mini-hoop.
MR: A playschool hoops like I�ve got in the basement?
DQ: No, you know how your hoop is adjustable? It was like two of those, a good amount apart.
MR: Yeah totally, we used to do that in the driveway, that�s a good time right there.
DQ: Well no, I didn�t do that in third grade though. What�d I do in third grade? Cause they came out when we were in third grade. I think I played football mostly.
MR: Football?
EH: He�s got good hands.
A: Did you collect the shells?
MR: Yeah, oh yeah.
A: It was gross.
MR: And they just would crunch into nothing.
DQ: I never ate one
EH: Exoskeleton, man.
DQ: I knew people who ate one.
MR: I knew people who ate them but�
A: Like the shell or the whole thing?
MR: No the cicada and they said it was good.
EH: You fry them.
MR: That�s like the shit that keeps me off of, not that I would ever be on it, but stuff like those Survivor and Fear Factor, I can�t handle that stuff, it makes me want to just puke.
EH: I think cicada�s are just Satan�s way of saying I�m still here. Check it out guys, look at these disgusting bugs. So you don�t forget.
A: Satan.
EH: Every 25 years.
DQ: Seventeen.
MR: Seventeen.
EH: Seventeen.
MR: Oh dude, this guy Llloyd that lived on my block was this totally weird Hessian dude with a mean handlebar moustache and long hair and he wore those reflective cop glasses and tank tops and short shorts.
A: A Hesher?
MR: He was straight up a creep, like he would go to people�s doors and flash them, he totally got arrested. He lived down my street and they interviewed him about the cicadas. He�s like, man I remember cicadas back when I was a little kid, this is great, it was like bringing back all these memories. He was on WGN because they sent them to our street, oh god, that dude was a riot. And his family would rake the leaves in the fall and I was out late and I saw the dad rake all the leaves into a garbage can and walk across the street and dump it in the other person�s yard. They were the shadiest family, how can you do that? It�s so good. Oh man, Lloyd. What a name.
A: Lloyd in the tanktop. He could be a character in your movie.
MR: He could totally be a character in your movie.
EH: Yeah.
DQ: Well also it�s gonna be, there was a guy, kids in West Wilmette didn�t know, but kids from East Wilmette, there was a man named, well we called him, the Dog Man. And he had a van, this was like really frightening when I was 8. And he was weird, I couldn�t understand it, he would drive along in his van, and everyone knew it was his van because he had a canoe on top, and he just had tons of dogs in his van. Maybe it was more than I thought, but he would just stop, cause we�d always play in alleys cause that�s where we could be bad, like parents couldn�t see us. And he�d only drive through alleys with the thing and we�d see it and be like oh shit the dog van and he�d stop. And I don�t remember his face, I have no recollection of his face, I just remember hearing the dogs in the van just like ruff ruff, ruff ruff. And he used to try to steal people�s dogs. He tried to steal my friend Andy Pickett�s dog.
EH: No�
DQ: Yeah, fuckin Andy Pickett said so.
EH: What kind of dog?
DQ: It was a black lab.
MR: Andy Pickett doesn�t lie.
DQ: He had a twin sister, Jenny.
A: Pick it up, that phone doesn�t even work. Pick it up.
MR: Pick it up, who could it be?
EH: Where is it?
MR: It�s on the wall. I see your ass, as usual. For god�s sake make it work.
A: It�s not even plugged in.
DQ: What�s ringing then?
EH: Our destinies.
DQ: Nothing�s ringing now.
EH: Dude, *69.
A: I�m about to
EH: It won�t work.
A: Oh.
DQ: Yeah you could stick a pencil down there.
MR: If I had a pen, it would be down there already.
DQ: How did that happen?
A: It was just ringing�
DQ: Fuckin Dog Man. Ruff ruff. Ruff.
EH: He�s on the phone.
DQ: That freaked me out.
EH: Oh one thing I wanted to bring up was every communication book has a Cathy cartoon in it. They think that�s credible, they�re like, ok this is a bogus major, let�s just throw a Cathy cartoon in it.
MR: Dude, fuck off with your bogus major.
EH: It is.
MR: How is English more proper?
A: It�s harder.
EH: English? You know, literature.
MR: I know but�
EH: What did communications produce? Hollywood Squares?
MR: No, well yeah.
EH: That�s good.
MR: But I bet someone probably wrote that show, think maybe they were an English major?
EH: No.
MR: No, what do they do?
EH: They wait tabers. Tables and stuff. Tabers. Don�t put tabers on it. Tables. Can you please edit it.
MR: Come on, that�s some necessary shit. I don�t know, I�m not going to argue about it. I mean granted the communications major is a fairly simple one to get, but I don�t think it�s any less valid.
EH: Well you�re still in college for four years.
MR: Whatever, I�m not arguing with you.
EH: Our books are the same. They cost the same.
DQ: Can I have some Tostitos?
EH: If tabers ends up on there, I�m going to be pissed. Look, I went through years and years of speech class and sometimes when it gets really late, I go back to fourth grade.
DQ: Yeah, when I get excited, I just can�t talk. If I have a lot of things to say, it�s just like�
A: Before all the therapy?
EH: Mr. Lindbergh.
DQ: I just got made fun of for years, for trying to say, you remember the guitar playing Yngwie Malmsteen?
MR: No.
DQ: Like the hair metal guitar player?
A: Yeah you do, you know him.
DQ: Spells like Yingwee. Well I said it weird once like like Yingwai Malmshteen or something goofy and people used to make fun of me a lot for that. They remembered it.
MR: That�s a ridiculous thing to remember.
A: I�d make of you for knowing.
DQ: Yngwie? Whatever, I read guitar magazines.
MR: Yeah, you were one of those kids. Did you like sit in your room? I know that�s not really your instrument but it�s like kind of your instrument.
DQ: I didn�t�
MR: I thought you started playing piano.
DQ: I�ve never played piano, I�ve never had a piano in my house.
MR: Really?
DQ: No.
MR: Oh.
DQ: I started playing piano my first year at U of I when I started practicing in practice rooms. Just because I couldn�t practice in my dorm room because that would just piss people off, so I�d go there and there�d be piano�s and stuff, so Oh I�ll play that.
MR: Righteous. Now you play ragtime like none other.
DQ: Yeah, I always think it�s weird that I taught myself piano and that�s what I taught myself. I�m like I�ll learn ragtime.
MR: Seems as good a genre as any.
DQ: I want to go to a psychologist and be like, why? Why ragtime, explain. My next movie after my coming of age drama will be a psychological�I�ll wake up and be like why?
A: Doodoo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo.
MR: The Sting plays in the background.
A: I think we gotta stop this before it gets too far to write. Any last words from anyone?
EH: We have to leave on a funny joke not like a ragtime story.
A: I said doodoo doo doo doo doodoo doo doo doo.
DQ: Hey could you put an mp3 at the end, be like�
MR: Click here for ending?
EH: No. I can�t say that.
DQ: We�ll just end it with tabers.
A: Say a joke Himes.
EH: Well it�s a repeat. I should have saved it, I just shouldn�t have said it.
A: Spit it out.
EH: It�s the one about Roan making out with funny people.
MR: Oh.
EH: Doo doo!